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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23982454">Mistakes you make over and over again</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeanOMalley/pseuds/SeanOMalley'>SeanOMalley</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hetalia: Axis Powers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol, Angst, Extremely Dubious Consent, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 19:40:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,530</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23982454</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeanOMalley/pseuds/SeanOMalley</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>…and what happens when the morning light hits.<br/>In which unrequited feelings fuel bad decisions and Lukas has to stop running from the truth.<br/>(dennor, themes of alcohol and questionable consent)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Denmark/Norway (Hetalia)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Mistakes you make over and over again</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Mathias was a handful sober and, it stands to reason, no different when he was drunk, if somewhat less loud. Barely able to stand on his own two feet let alone find his way home, he ended most nights of partying stubbornly being dragged home by his best friend, Lukas, whose cool demeanor and sarcastic remarks were momentarily replaced by a kinder, worried presence.<br/>
Tonight was no exception.<br/>
An evening of expensive drinks and even more expensive clubs left behind an unlikely pair trudging through the crisp autumn air, a tipsy blond all too carefully carrying a slightly taller, albeit much drunker, man. The two clambered through the door of their shared home, not caring about the noise they made as the rest of the household was either still out drinking or already in a deep slumber. </p>
<p>Slumping Mathias clumsily onto the couch, Lukas moved to straighten up but quickly lost his balance. Stumbling forward, he moved his leg swiftly to the side to avoid kneeing Mathias in the groin, but in doing so ended up kneeling on the couch, legs on either side of Matt’s, effectively straddling the man.  </p>
<p>His face flushed red, equal parts alcohol and excitement, shaking body pushed up against the man who called him brother but shared no blood with him, this position was neither foreign nor unwelcome to him.<br/>
It damn well would’ve been perfect if he could just shut his damn mind off for a second and enjoy it. But he couldn’t. Anxiety coursing through him like a cold wave in the frigid Fjords he and the intoxicated man beneath him had spent the better part of their childhoods exploring.<br/>
His heartbeat so loud he could hear it over the ringing in his ears, he swallowed a lump he hadn’t noticed had formed in his throat and, not as gently as he had intended, placed a hand on Matt’s soft, flushed cheek. </p>
<p>The taller man was breathing heavily, head gently bobbing down and back, arms limp at his sides, intoxicated and disoriented. He hadn’t intended to drink that much. He hadn’t really drunk that much, not by his own accord at least.<br/>
Lukas had egged him on to keep drinking, another shot here, a stronger cocktail there. Lukas, who was grabbing at Matt’s waist with his other hand like his life depended on it, pressing his hips just a little closer, just a little harder, but not rutting, not yet.<br/>
Lukas had intended for the night to end like this, like it does every so often when they go out drinking together.</p>
<p>Mathias starts the night excitedly telling their friends about all the bars they’re going to hop and all the girls they’ll meet (“Or guys, I’m not one to judge Luke. God knows I’ve had my fair share of experiments.. If you know what I mean”). Berwald and Tino would go off on their own fairly quickly but do their best to stay near, leaving just Lukas, his brother, Emil, and Mathias, his not-brother who insists on calling all of them “brothers”, never mind the fact that Berwald and Tino have been married for upwards of 3 years, that Berwald and him are only distant cousins, that Lukas and him are not in any way related and never have been. Matt’s been calling them brothers since they were children. </p>
<p>Lukas was happy about it at first, happy to have heard they were more than friends, more than best friends even, but he thought Mathias would’ve grown out of it by now. He hoped Matt would’ve grown out of it, and he still held onto that hope, that Matt would see that he and Lukas could be something so different, something so much better.<br/>
Mathias’ head spun wildly and he grabbed Lukas’ hips to stabilize himself, not realizing who was on him, what was happening or why the room was spinning so fast. Lukas let go of the man’s waist in favor of holding his face with both hands, steadying his falling empty gaze and examining the freckles on his ever reddening cheeks. </p>
<p>Each time he drowned his conscience out with a myriad of excuses, it was the alcohol, it was the atmosphere, it was an accident. And as he drew Mathias closer to him, he repeated the mantra in his head again. As he kissed his dry lips and reveled in the intoxicating taste of alcohol and something vaguely sweet, he told himself the same thing he told himself every time, that this was the last time. </p>
<p>Matt’s calloused hands steady on his shaking body felt foreign and warm and wrong and so, so right. His hips moved on their own accord and he struggled to muffle a moan aching to escape his lips, choosing instead to deepen the kiss. A primal urge he ignored sober, one that he beat down day in and day out to hopefully keep some semblance of normality in their lives was slowly slipping through.<br/>
And he allowed it to escape just barely.<br/>
Just a little.<br/>
Just for tonight. </p>
<p>He wasn’t doing anything bad, he told himself. He wasn’t taking advantage of his friend’s drunken state; it was what Mathias wanted, so what if he wouldn’t remember it in the morning? He never did. At least that’s what Lukas hoped.</p>
<p>Hopefully he wouldn’t remember anything at all, the girl he had been chatting up that night was a plump brunette and Lukas had always preferred Mathias attempting to bed women with features more similar to his, blond and slim and all too serious and cold. If he happened to remember bits and pieces of the evening he would’ve had a harder time noticing the swap of partners mid way through. </p>
<p>Mathias got around, but he wasn’t a slut, though. Sure, he’s had his fair share of one night stands, but he’s had more long-term relationships than Lukas.<br/>
Lukas, on the other hand, had had one long-term relationship in his life, which had failed spectacularly. His one and only encounter with a woman, followed by an array of strange and often frightening men; he had cared about her though, which made it all the more worse.<br/>
In all honesty, he preferred women, both emotionally and physically, which nobody would ever believe if they were to hear it. But he never could pretend they were Mathias when he closed his eyes, like he could with men.</p>
<p>When they were nearing puberty and discussions of sex started becoming more common, Lukas had proclaimed he would never sleep with someone he didn’t love. Tino couldn’t help but mention, many years down the road, how Lukas seemed to have kept the exact opposite of his promise true.<br/>
It was a lighthearted jab, which came after a night of drinking and before Lukas helpfully offered to take Mathias, way too drunk to go alone, back home.<br/>
But it was true.<br/>
Lukas had chuckled bitterly at that, as Mathias stumbled and he straightened him back up, it appeared as though he would never keep anything resembling his promise true. Because he had only ever loved one person, and sure, that person loved him back, but not in the way he wanted.<br/>
Not in the way he needed.<br/>
Not the way he was supposed to.</p>
<p>And now, after another night of drinking, another night of watching Mathias flirt with a stream of fleeting faces, another night of passion and care and tenderness that would be forgotten tomorrow, Lukas was desperate. Every time he allowed himself an inch he would want a mile, the more he gave in the more he needed. It was getting unbearable, and his head was getting more muddy and clouded than ever before. </p>
<p>Mathias was always so gentle with him, even now, wasted off his ass and barely coherent his hands only ever caressed Lukas’ hips and waist, timidly moving to his thighs or rear when Lukas himself put them there.  He didn’t bite or scratch or choke or hurt him like he did his many partners; everyone knew how the Dane liked it rough and painful, bruises that showed up the next day and hickeys marking every inch of his lover’s body.<br/>
But it was different with Lukas, he was different with Lukas. Every single drunken make out was characteristically sweet, tender and loving, and it slowly drove Lukas mad.<br/>
It had to mean something more. It had to. </p>
<p>He didn’t know if it was the alcohol or Matt’s intoxicating touch or simply that he had crossed a line he hadn’t even known he had set, but Lukas couldn’t take it anymore. He wasn’t doing anything wrong, it was just the natural progression of passion and tenderness and love.<br/>
He tangled his fingers in Mathias’ wild blond hair, slowly, purposefully grinding his hips into the man below, choosing to silence the delightful moan he elicited with a kiss. And it was that moan that sent him over the edge.<br/>
He lifted himself off of Mathias who weakly reached out for the source of heat and pleasure that was leaving too soon, but calmed down and slumped back all too easily for Lukas’ liking. As Matt’s head fell back onto the backrest of the sofa, Lukas lowered himself to the floor, kneeling in front of the man he so desperately wanted, and made quick work of his belt and zipper. </p>
<p>“Okay, now this is going too far, Luke.”</p>
<p>Lukas froze.<br/>
Slowly turning his head to the source of the sound, Lukas’ eyes fell on his brother, Emil, standing in the doorway of their living room, looking worn, tired, and above all, disappointed.<br/>
He almost panicked. Almost.</p>
<p>“You’re drunk, this is a dream. Go back to bed, Emil,” he uttered far too calmly, sounding equal parts dejected and resigned. </p>
<p>Emil’s expression darkened: “Stop it, Lukas. It wasn’t even funny the first time. Gods, what is wrong with you? You said you wouldn’t do this shit anymore, let alone make it worse…”<br/>
His words were nearly as heavy as the guilt Lukas carried; only guilt did more harm than good when it was used to justify what you knew was wrong. </p>
<p>“I knew I should have stopped you a long time ago. The kissing wasn’t right, the touching was already crossing a line, but this… Lukas you know damn well what this is.”<br/>
Emil’s words fell flat, never judgmental, but nowhere near understanding.  His gaze shifted from Lukas’ pleading look, no longer even able to meet his brother’s eye, focusing instead on how limp and dead and helpless Matt looked. </p>
<p>This time quieter, yet raspier, he continued:<br/>
“He’s drunk; he doesn’t know where he is let alone what’s going on. I can’t let you do this anymore. I’m telling Mathias tomorrow, go to bed.” </p>
<p>“No! Emil, don’t!” the words came out louder than Lukas had intended and he cringed visibly as Mathias stirred in his drunken sleep. Drawing his attention back to his all too righteous and all too right brother, he turned away from Mathias’ peaceful form and felt the knot in his stomach tighten even more. </p>
<p>Emil’s gaze was cold, yet almost pleading. He had known for entirely too long and he had done nothing. Of course he was conflicted, it was his brother for Gods’ sakes, but he couldn’t allow this to continue, not for Mathias’ good and not for Lukas’ own good. </p>
<p>Lukas continued, fear and shame seeping into his voice: “This is the last time, I promise. I know what I’m doing is wrong, I’m not a rapist. I just… I love him, Emil. I’ve only ever loved him and... And he’ll never see me the same way –“</p>
<p>“Bullshit,” Emil snapped, “if you loved him you wouldn’t be getting him drunk every weekend, you wouldn’t be stuffing your tongue down his throat and you damn well wouldn’t be unbuckling his belt when he can’t even keep his head upright.”</p>
<p>The words stung.<br/>
Lukas shrunk back with every biting syllable, eyes focused firmly on the ground. He felt like a child being scolded, still crouched on his knees in front of the old, beat-up couch, wrapping his arms around himself in shame, as if he could somehow protect himself from the fallout he caused. From the consequences he so rightfully deserved.<br/>
Emil seemed.. different this time. Cold, accusing, almost angry. At first he had been concerned, even vaguely sympathetic to his brother’s plight, but as Lukas made the same mistakes time and time again it seemed as if all the love was slowly draining from his eyes.<br/>
Some people stand by their loved ones’ worst mistakes, some denounce them immediately, and some stand idly watching, not willing to give up hope but not willing to act either.<br/>
And that might just be worse.</p>
<p>“You love him, he doesn’t love you, so that gives you the right to do whatever you want to him when he’s passed out, right!? Do you even hear yourself? Damn it, Lukas. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and finding excuses for all the shit you do and fess up for once. You messed up. No one else, you.”</p>
<p>Lukas blinked away tears that had started forming in the corners of his eyes, well aware that he had no right to cry, not now, and especially not in front of Emil. He swallowed a lump in his throat and tried to stop his voice from shaking.</p>
<p>“I know. I know it’s my fault, I know it’s wrong and that’s why I’m going to stop. Just please don’t tell Matt. He’ll hate me, he’ll probably never talk to me again, Christ, I don’t know what he’d do… Emil, I’m begging you, don’t tell him. This is the last time, I promise. I swear, I-“</p>
<p>“How many times have you promised that already, Lukas?” Emil stopped his brother’s panicked tirade all too calmly. Not desperate, not even upset anymore, just flat, emotionless.<br/>
“It’s gone on long enough, Mathias deserves to know.”<br/>
Pinching the bridge of his nose, he continued, “Gods… This is too fucked up, you know.”</p>
<p>He quieted for a second, somewhere between lost in thought and lost in time. Finally, he looked up at an old grandfather clock situated in the corner of the room, still wearing the same blank expression. Turning on his heel slowly, Emil started the short trek to his room, offering one last offhand comment to Lukas: </p>
<p>“It’s late, get Matt to bed. I don’t care what you do, I’m telling him everything in the morning anyway. I can’t stop you now either way.”</p>
<p>Lukas watched as his brother left the messed up scene, a knot forming in his stomach and a sour taste settling in his mouth. Shaking, he turned to face Mathias once again.<br/>
The taller man hadn’t stirred at all during the whole debacle and was currently still firmly passed out, thankfully having not vomited in his sleep. He looked cold and somewhat sad in his sorry state.<br/>
A grim sense of responsibility washed over Lukas as he watched the man he claimed to love take heavy, shallow breaths, his clothes askew and his hair a mess.<br/>
His pants still halfway undone. </p>
<p>Unsteadily, Lukas rose to his feet.</p>
<p>fin.</p>
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